You've got a very game-like 'cut scene' feel going on in your story; it feels like a slice from a much bigger narrative. My only concern is that this 'slice' contains enough information for the audience to get themselves orientated. For example - the butterfly hunters are a nice creation - but we only know their name/function because it's in the script (but not in the film itself). The first person 'shooter' style pov is one of your story's defining features, but I want you to investigate further how you can 'explain' more of your world within that pov. Compare it to writing an essay; same rules apply; you start talking about 'butterfly hunters'... your reader goes 'what? Who? What are they? Who are they etc?' You need to find a means of introducing and defining them to your audience - otherwise, they're just 'blokes in a boiler suit' and some of the richness and interest of your world gets disappeared.
For example, you could have your character having to hide in a corridor, while a group of BHs walk past 'looking for another bug' or similar. There's no reason why you can't introduce more characters this way - and use those moments to build your world more.
I want more of your world 'explained' to me - again - an example, when your character is accessing the monitors, he could also access a computer simulation of the cactus compound reacting with human blood cells or similar - you need to get what you already know about your world into the audience's head - and right now, there's too much implied, as opposed to explain. It's all going positively, Aidan - I just want more from you now.
Regarding your essay, your improvement and confidence is very encouraging, Aidan. Your embedded use of quotes and growing ability to move fluidly between your analysis and external sources is obvious. Just some boring grammatical stuff however; watch your use of apostrophes;
e.g. mobsters gun - should be *mobster's gun* (meaning the gun that belongs to the mobster) or *mobsters' gun* (meaning the gun that belongs to mobsters).
Interim Online Review 15/02/2011
ReplyDeleteHey Aidan,
You've got a very game-like 'cut scene' feel going on in your story; it feels like a slice from a much bigger narrative. My only concern is that this 'slice' contains enough information for the audience to get themselves orientated. For example - the butterfly hunters are a nice creation - but we only know their name/function because it's in the script (but not in the film itself). The first person 'shooter' style pov is one of your story's defining features, but I want you to investigate further how you can 'explain' more of your world within that pov. Compare it to writing an essay; same rules apply; you start talking about 'butterfly hunters'... your reader goes 'what? Who? What are they? Who are they etc?' You need to find a means of introducing and defining them to your audience - otherwise, they're just 'blokes in a boiler suit' and some of the richness and interest of your world gets disappeared.
For example, you could have your character having to hide in a corridor, while a group of BHs walk past 'looking for another bug' or similar. There's no reason why you can't introduce more characters this way - and use those moments to build your world more.
I want more of your world 'explained' to me - again - an example, when your character is accessing the monitors, he could also access a computer simulation of the cactus compound reacting with human blood cells or similar - you need to get what you already know about your world into the audience's head - and right now, there's too much implied, as opposed to explain. It's all going positively, Aidan - I just want more from you now.
Regarding your essay, your improvement and confidence is very encouraging, Aidan. Your embedded use of quotes and growing ability to move fluidly between your analysis and external sources is obvious. Just some boring grammatical stuff however; watch your use of apostrophes;
e.g. mobsters gun - should be *mobster's gun* (meaning the gun that belongs to the mobster) or *mobsters' gun* (meaning the gun that belongs to mobsters).
Keep it up, Aidan. I'm pleased.